Why I Don't Have Children

One of the girls at work asked me how long Steve and I have been married. I told her five years back in May. She then asked me what normally would have been a tough question, "How come you guys don't have kids yet?"

I was able to answer her question without getting upset or down about the situation. In the past it would have ruined my entire day and possibly even my entire week.

For those who don't know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically, I don't ovulate every month. We've been trying for almost four years now to have a baby. I've charted my temperature. I've tracked cervical mucus. I've tried fertility drugs. I've been poked and prodded more times than I can count. I gave enough blood for a vampire to drink for a year. I've had more diagnostic tests done than any one person should have to endure. I had surgery to try to increase my changes of conceiving. We even went through a few rounds of fertility treatments. All to no avail. I have been told I have a six percent chance of ever conceiving. Those are not promising odds.

It was a very frustrating time. I often felt like I was hiding a big secret. When you are married, lots of people ask when you are having children. We always had to dodge the question and say something like, "Oh, we're just enjoying being married," or "Well, when it happens it happens," or my personal favorite, "We can't fit a baby seat in the back of our Corvette." Really, I just wanted to scream, "YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK! DON'T YOU THINK I WANT A BABY?!?!"

Those who did know the struggle we were facing would tell us stuff like, "Oh, it will happen for you one day." Really? It will? You know that for sure? When?

We also heard, "Oh well, you can always just adopt." Now, let me just say there is NOTHING wrong with adopting. And yes, we have considered it. But for us that was like a slap in the face. Everyone always had a story to tell about their friend who conceived right after adoption as soon as the "pressure" was off. I know they meant well, but really those stories did not give us any hope. If anything, it felt like they were trying to rob us of the opportunity to grieve our loss. Yes, finding out we may never have our own children was a giant loss for us.

Since we started trying to have a baby, there have been 29 other babies born to various friends/family/coworkers. I am elated when I find out anyone I know is pregnant. Babies are a gift from God and should be celebrated. But, I am not going to lie. Finding out about each of these 29 pregnancies was like a knife right in my heart. So 29 knives in my heart in three and a half years. Yeah...

But, I have become optimisitc about it. Sure, I would be over the moon with joy if I ever became pregnant. I would scream it from the rooftops. I would tell everyone I have ever known.

I am also realistic that I may never become pregnant. If I don't, I will still be happy. I have a lot of blessings in my life. I know, and like, who I am. I've got a great guy by my side and a few truly fantastic girl friends (and some cool guy friends as well). I have a job that I love. I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have more than I could possibly ever ask for and every day I find something new for which to be thankful.

From now on when someone asks why I don't have children, I am going to tell them the truth. No more hiding my secret.